It was a bright and sunny day. John and his friends had just been dismissed from school. John whistled as he walked down the street happily to his house. His best friend Jane was walking with him. . They soon parted ways and John went home.
When Jane arrived in school the next day, she saw Jack and his friend, Stuart whispering in each other’s ear.
When John arrived, Jane told him “I think Jack is plotting something about you. I overheard him when he was whispering to Stuart.
Unfortunately, she did not hear Jack and Stuart talk about it. However, on the day of the birthday, she came to John’s house early. She found Jack and Stuart were already there. She found out that they were talking about springing a trap on John when he opened his present. Then Jack took his birthday present and opened it, showing a cream pie connected to a spring. [[#_msocom_9|[]]
After that she went to tell John to watch out because Jack was planning to smack him with a cream pie later when he opens his birthday present. We could always tell our teacher.”
But later, when it was time for John to open the presents in front of everyone, She told everyone to open their presents themselves and Jack looked very worried and would not open his own present. She soon dragged John with her to confront Jack.
In the end, Jack and Stuart gave up and he ended up saying sorry. Both Jack and Stuart were very surprised as they thought they would be kicked out for sure. Jane had no choice but to agree with John. But she was still convinced that Jack and Stuart should have been kicked out. After that, they managed to enjoy the party.
Comment by Edgar: (Comment I)
I think the story was rather plain as you did not use any vocabulary. It is very monotonous and isn't exciting.
Comment by Edgar: (Comment II)
Make the plot a little bit more misleading. Create a red herring clue or create a second climax. I think that will spice it up.
Comment III:
It seems as though this story was a bit short! I was expecting more - the idea was good though, by adding more words, it would become much better. At present it ends a bit too abruptly and the ending is a bit hurried and rushed. By slowing down the pace, the story would be spiced up! The plot is good but it is too straightforward. -Gavin
Comment by Yu Tse:
The plot isn't quite developed, but based on a good storyline. I suggest you can show more reactions and feelings of the characters.
Comment 2 by Yu Tse:
I think you need to elaborate on this: how can Jane decide everything for John, including opening the presents by the one who sent them? And also, Jack could have waited till John is quite near then aim the present at him.
Comment by Jeremy:
Your story is far too short. You need to characterise more. This problem comes out far too early. Also, you could have some more complications to spice the story up. You could try to elaborate far more and add more descriptions. As it is now,the story isn't quite exciting. Also, who would waste a delicious pie on a prank. You could have something like slime etc.
COMMENT BY MAX
Max Thinks that your story is too simple, short, monotonous... best is you add more complications... Real life is like this: Dilemma, try to solve, but then complication, then solve, but complication.... after repeating the process, you'll get a really realistic story with a lot of feeling... Your story has a well chosen plot... many pros for this plot... BUT your story is too straightforward.. AGREEing with Greek boy up there... So improve Plotwise, Lengthwise, complexitywise and excitment wise so that this will be the perfect Compo... Just kidding for the perfect compo part... HAHAHAHA..............HAHAHAHAHA................... Comment by collin:
your story is not exciting at all, fell asleep reading it. --------- COLLIN how could u have fallen asleep, its soooo short! Its impossible to fall asleep for a short compo!---- Tay Kiat Jun
Comments by Cheng Yuan: I thinks that your story is too simple and short... best if you add more complications... Real life is more like this: You have a dilemma, you try to solve it, but then complication occurs, then solve, but complication.... after repeating the process, you'll get a really realistic story with a lot of feeling and more realisum... Although your story has a well chosen plot... many pros for this plot... BUT your story is too straightforward. Comments by Jia Yun: I do not like your story, it is short, monotonous, too less complications, and everything just goes on too fast! You would like to would on that!
Comment by Ken Zho:
Im agreeing with everybody up there wei liang. If you elaborate more and give more details it would be better for other readers to understand. YOu are assuming that the readers know that there is a birthday. Whose birthday you have to mention first, not later. But for now, you should stick to the plot. It is easy and simple to work on, but try not to be too straightforward. Remember you should put a dillemma, include the characters and personalities and as well as the relationships between some characters.
When Jane arrived in school the next day, she saw Jack and his friend, Stuart whispering in each other’s ear.
When John arrived, Jane told him “I think Jack is plotting something about you. I overheard him when he was whispering to Stuart.
Unfortunately, she did not hear Jack and Stuart talk about it. However, on the day of the birthday, she came to John’s house early. She found Jack and Stuart were already there. She found out that they were talking about springing a trap on John when he opened his present. Then Jack took his birthday present and opened it, showing a cream pie connected to a spring. [[#_msocom_9|[]]
After that she went to tell John to watch out because Jack was planning to smack him with a cream pie later when he opens his birthday present. We could always tell our teacher.”
But later, when it was time for John to open the presents in front of everyone, She told everyone to open their presents themselves and Jack looked very worried and would not open his own present. She soon dragged John with her to confront Jack.
In the end, Jack and Stuart gave up and he ended up saying sorry. Both Jack and Stuart were very surprised as they thought they would be kicked out for sure. Jane had no choice but to agree with John. But she was still convinced that Jack and Stuart should have been kicked out. After that, they managed to enjoy the party.
Comment by Edgar: (Comment I)
I think the story was rather plain as you did not use any vocabulary. It is very monotonous and isn't exciting.
Comment by Edgar: (Comment II)
Make the plot a little bit more misleading. Create a red herring clue or create a second climax. I think that will spice it up.
Comment III:
It seems as though this story was a bit short! I was expecting more - the idea was good though, by adding more words, it would become much better. At present it ends a bit too abruptly and the ending is a bit hurried and rushed. By slowing down the pace, the story would be spiced up! The plot is good but it is too straightforward. -Gavin
Comment by Yu Tse:
The plot isn't quite developed, but based on a good storyline. I suggest you can show more reactions and feelings of the characters.
Comment 2 by Yu Tse:
I think you need to elaborate on this: how can Jane decide everything for John, including opening the presents by the one who sent them? And also, Jack could have waited till John is quite near then aim the present at him.
Comment by Jeremy:
Your story is far too short. You need to characterise more. This problem comes out far too early. Also, you could have some more complications to spice the story up. You could try to elaborate far more and add more descriptions. As it is now,the story isn't quite exciting. Also, who would waste a delicious pie on a prank. You could have something like slime etc.
COMMENT BY MAX
Max Thinks that your story is too simple, short, monotonous... best is you add more complications... Real life is like this: Dilemma, try to solve, but then complication, then solve, but complication.... after repeating the process, you'll get a really realistic story with a lot of feeling... Your story has a well chosen plot... many pros for this plot... BUT your story is too straightforward.. AGREEing with Greek boy up there... So improve Plotwise, Lengthwise, complexitywise and excitment wise so that this will be the perfect Compo... Just kidding for the perfect compo part... HAHAHAHA..............HAHAHAHAHA...................Comment by collin:
your story is not exciting at all, fell asleep reading it. --------- COLLIN how could u have fallen asleep, its soooo short! Its impossible to fall asleep for a short compo!---- Tay Kiat Jun
Comments by Cheng Yuan:
I thinks that your story is too simple and short... best if you add more complications... Real life is more like this: You have a dilemma, you try to solve it, but then complication occurs, then solve, but complication.... after repeating the process, you'll get a really realistic story with a lot of feeling and more realisum... Although your story has a well chosen plot... many pros for this plot... BUT your story is too straightforward.
Comments by Jia Yun:
I do not like your story, it is short, monotonous, too less complications, and everything just goes on too fast! You would like to would on that!
Comment by Ken Zho:
Im agreeing with everybody up there wei liang. If you elaborate more and give more details it would be better for other readers to understand. YOu are assuming that the readers know that there is a birthday. Whose birthday you have to mention first, not later. But for now, you should stick to the plot. It is easy and simple to work on, but try not to be too straightforward. Remember you should put a dillemma, include the characters and personalities and as well as the relationships between some characters.